What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like
they buy computers --but imagine if they did...

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
             happened!"

HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
             battery and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?  How come I have
             to know all of these technical terms just to use
             my car?"

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
             anywhere!"

HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know?"

HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with
             a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where
             is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then
             a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car.
             When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's
             the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy--  Is that the round
             thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
             and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install
             it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
             you."

CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell
             me that I have to keep buying more components?
             I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
             accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.
            It worked for a while, and then it crashed
             -- and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility
             if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this damned
             manual of yours.  It said to make the car
             go to put the transmission in 'D' and press
             the accelerator pedal.  That's exactly what
             I did --now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual
             before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did!  I told you I did
             EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't
             work!"

HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you
             wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir.
             It's on page 14.  The pedal next to the
             accelerator."

CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and
             read this manual you know."

HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do
             about it?"

CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest
             versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose
             your car because it has automatic transmission,
             cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
             and power door locks."

HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go
             places in my car!"

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